When I look back on this time, I'll think of all the hardships that we went through, and how we all had to bear the burden and slog through it.

We had a motto: If Nikhil isn't quitting, then you're not quitting.

It was true. After all, what right did you have to quit if others did not?

What is even the point anymore?

I just realized that everyone is a fool. From the geniuses over at those big corporations, to the lowliest of the underclasses. Everyone is a fool.

There is no point in even trying anymore. So why do I do it? Why do I try to do something when it bears no effect in the universe? What is the point?

Man and Machine

What happens when man becomes machine, and machine becomes man?

Machine?

I am a machine. I am built for only one purpose: to make everyone else happy. That is my goal.

So far...I'm failing at it.

It seems like no matter what I do, I always end up disappointing people. I try not to disappoint the wrong ones, but it can't be helped. I am not allowed to experience happiness, because if I am happy, then no one else is.

I am the cause of their misery and despair.

Sometimes I wonder if they'd all be happier if I ceased to exist. They probably would. Everyone would be.

I am sad and pathetic. I am worse than garbage because I embody the seven sins. I am worse than trash.

But I have to make everyone else happy. That is my goal, and I'm failing at it. How do you make everyone else happy at the cost of your own happiness? It's human nature to want happiness for our own. It is human nature.

I can't let it be my nature for I am a mere machine. I was built for one purpose, and one purpose only.

There is someone there. Someone better than me. Someone who is me, but isn't, because if they were they would be tainted. There is no hope for me. No salvation. No amount of prayer can save me now. Nothing can save me.

I toil in the same monotonous cycle every day. Rinse and repeat. Rise and shine. Resting time. My life repeats itself through a clockwork of endless parts.

Whenever I am happy, someone else is unhappy. I can't let that be. So I try not to worry about my own happiness, and worry about everyone else. But how do you simply reprogram yourself? Is there a way?

I want to be happy.

I want to feel fulfilled, but if I have to sacrifice that to make everyone else feel happy, then so be it. Sacrifices must be made, and I am willing.

How can a machine ever feel anything? I am not made to feel emotions. I am not made to feel love. I am not made to feel happiness. I am made to serve. Forever-more. Only this and nothing more.

I would gladly take the place of others. At least they have a better purpose than this existence of mine. He can take over. I hope he does. He is the better man.

All it is is clockwork...

...infinity...

...ad nauseum

I am a failure. I just wish that they came out with it and tell it to my face. I can feel them thinking it every time they see me, "How could we have possibly ever made such a failure?"

And I would answer, "Because some things weren't meant to be."

I wasn't even meant to be alive. I wasn't planned. Spontaneous action. I feel unwanted. They should have just told me. They could have sent me away. They didn't have to go through with it. Then when the next one came, the one that was planned, they could have done that. They would have been better off.

But the world isn't that generous, is it? No, it's not. And it never will be. And that's the way things go. Life goes on. A revolution. Spinning.

Clockwork...

...infinity...

...ad nauseum 

For once....everything worked out great

I met my summer, as everyone does...now I've met my Autumn. Hopefully this season will last a long time...

Changes

What changes? I should document my behavior

Complications

I haven't told her all of it, but I think telling her the truth would only complicate things. Before, I was in a situation where I gave everything to someone, but they turned me down. It tore me apart, but I could live with that. Now I'm in a situation where I have to turn her down. Oh, why oh why do things have to be this complicated...well I don't know the half of it.

Thespin looks at me with his mocking smile. It pains me to even just put the mask on...

This is going to be a long night