College

I'm heading off to college in three weeks. Funny how quickly time flies. I still remember the pain and the laughter of the years, but it's time to say goodbye. I have no need to apologize, because I have no regrets. It's time to open up a new chapter.

The Sunday Morning

Life goes on, and I believe it now. Life truly is wonderful in that it gives you all these experiences, both good and bad and it lets you learn from them. No matter what, the lesson continues and you leave the classroom a little smarter than you were yesterday.

I was stupid a year ago. I'm still stupid now, but less so. I'm learning and improving myself. I'm taking greater risks and challenging more things. Life is wonderful in its complexity and simplicity.

Sometimes things are disappointing and that's okay, because disappointments happen in life. But you have to keep in mind that disappointments don't mean an end. They don't mean THE end. They are simply a speed-bump in which you must slow down before moving on.

I've been easing myself into living without allowing my disappointments to stop me. It's an uphill battle, but I'm still climbing.

I'm Dead to Her

I find it kinda' funny, and I find it kinda' sad.

Just over a month ago she and I would hold each other close and tell each other our secrets that the rest of the world would never hear. Just over a month ago, we loved each other. Well, maybe I did. I'm not so sure about her, but regardless.

Now whenever we pass each other she barely bats an eye. She doesn't see me anymore. I'm no one to her. Just another face to be ignored. And the feeling sucks.

She and I used to share everything with each other. Now, I talk to one of my friends whom she is sitting next to, and she doesn't even acknowledge my existence. She says "Hello" to him in the most obnoxious manner, without even noting me at all. I put on a fake smile, but inside she is stabbing me with a serrated knife.

Why does this have to go on? Every day I put in a new face. A new smile, just to try and fool everyone (even myself) that I'm okay. I don't know if I'm okay. I'm able to laugh and enjoy myself and I feel some awe towards the beauty of life, but inside I'm still hurting. Every time I see her, I think of how much she must hate me right now. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me.She hates me.

Why does she hate me so much? I know why. I wasn't exactly Prince Charming.

She always looks so nice, but I know I don't get to say that anymore. She's not dressing to impress me anymore, so why do I still feel impressed by her? Every time I see her I think of he beautiful she looks. I think of how she used to hold me close. She was always the one to do things in our relationship. I never did anything. I wasn't emotionally available to her. I took her for granted. I was a stupid fuck.

That's why she hates me. That's why she has a cold stare that pierces me. That's why she doesn't even acknowledge that I exist. I'm dead to her. Maybe I am. I am. I am dead to her. Maybe I should be dead. I should be dead. Maybe tomorrow I'll be dead and this will all be over. Maybe the day after that I'll be dead. Maybe on Monday I'll be dead.

I mean what's the point in me even existing around her if I'm dead to her?

She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. She hates me. 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It all comes down to this

Tomorrow is the day when we find out if I have what it takes to pass this challenge. I think I can do it, but if I can't, then that's that. I tried my best, and if it wasn't meant to be, then it wasn't meant to be.

New stresses in life. New responsibilities. Is this how adults live? I hate growing up.

It's such a pain, and I haven't even started yet. I don't know if there are any payoffs for this. I guess we'll find out.

I just want to forget about it and move on...

...but...she’s right...

...I’m an idiot.

Happy?

Of course she's not happy with me. Who would be?

Emotions

I have no emotions. I am a machine. I am incapable of loving. I am incapable of thought. I am incapable of freedom. I am incapable of anything.